Tim Cook must go
Controversial opinion, right? I mean, it’s not like the latest Apple design choices were out of the ordinary or just batshit-crazy, starting with the famous butterfly keyboard, or the famous Intel Core M-powered 12" MacBooks that struggled to even open Finder, or the one-USB-C per laptop meme that evolved into the two-USB-C per laptop meme, or the Touchbar meme, or the notch-gate, or Liquid Ass, or the orange iPhone that turned pink faster than Taylor Swift panties after a night in SoHo. 2014 to 2025, excepting the 2020 moment when Apple launched their own silicon, was funtime. For the people who used Windows, or heaven’s forbid … Linux.
No sir, Apple shifted from a hardware company into a services/subscriptions company and now is a fashion one. In an alternate universe I would be writing this shit on a watercooled Quad PowerPC G5 Powerbook while carrying the pump like a colostomy bag and enjoy every moment of it. In that universe I’d watch Jobs coming on stage with a baseball bat and proceed to smash the latest IBM-compatible to pieces, while Steve Ballmer chants “DEVELOPERS, DEVELOPERS, DEVELOPERS” all coked out. But unfortunately I’m stuck in a worse universe, writing this on an iBook G4, because everything launched by Apple since 2015 has been plagued by the “creations” of people like Jonny Ive and Tim Cook, strangely, both of them some of the oldest Apple employees. Maybe Steve Jobs was a really good manager and could keep everybody in line, who knows. Or maybe he was supreme in fistfights.
And no, I’m not acting as if during Jobs’ time Apple didn’t had its share of “fun” times with GPU-gate of iBooks and Powerbooks, or the flaming balls of fire that Apple called (and re-called) “Powerbook batteries”. Or the iMacs that could be opened only with suction cups, after you got your very own degree in engineering. But the Apple of that time had some guts, while the Apple of today has Liquid Ass and the pink iPhone that’s actually orange; and I can’t for the love of God (or Allah) comprehend why Tim Cook lacks the power, or ability, or common sense as to do something different (and no, adding another notch to the laptops and call it a day doesn’t count, does the world really need a Dual Notch-Powered MacBook Pro?) and woo the market. Make us watch the next WWDC or whatever it’s called, with our eyes glued to the screen (see what I did there?) while crying like little bitches (but please, no more $7000 MacBooks). What would the Apple fanboys and fangirls do, buy an Asus with Windows 11 and preinstalled malware? No, they will not. The market is saturated with aluminium laptops and glass phones, so why don’t you give us a white polycarbonate MacBook Pro with proper USB-A ports AND HDMI AND MagSafe AND USB-C and Ethernet, Apple? Or make it out of pinewood, just stop with the aluminium, titanium, unobtainium and glass. Just stop.
On the other hand, let’s give Tim Cook lion’s share in growing Apple to the heights of today, I’m not saying “kick Tim in the teeth and fire him” because he did amazing things. For the shareholders. For the company. But absolutely nothing for Apple’s and his own legacy.
I don’t know, maybe I expected more from a company I used to love (both hardware and software) and now I dislike from the bottom of my heart (both hardware and software), maybe I expected modern macOS not to be a steaming pile of donkey turd, maybe I expected iPhones to have a battery that is useful for more than watching five TikToks, maybe I hoped Apple’s hardware wouldn’t turn into the closed ecosystems of today, where you can’t launch an app unless Tim Cooks knows your cock girth or pussy depth. And where you can’t install neither Windows (I know) not Linux (I double know) unless you jump through endless hurdles that will make you question your (in)sanity of buying this MacBook Pro that’s only Pro if you choose to stay under Apple’s umbrella. I mean, really, how do you get from “the fastest laptop in the world” to “the pinkiest orange phone in the world”? Maybe the same way we got from the original iPhone to antenna-gate and “it works if you hold it like this”?
And speaking of running other “authorized” operating systems on your… I mean Apple’s hardware, installing a Linux distro that’s “made” by some autist in his mom’s basement doesn’t count as actually doing something useful, positive or enhancing on your $3k+ machine. And neither is installing Windows for Arm in Parallels (even if Parallels is an amazing piece of machinery).
Maybe what I really need is this new Apple M(+1) silicon that’s almost 3% faster than the old M(-1) one (3% in ideal circumstances, with the CPU cores cooled by virgin blood and only singlecore benchmarks that are officially authorized by Apple™), and Tim Cook is right about everything. Just like Jonny Ive was right about everything, until he wasn’t anymore. Or maybe it’s something cyclical, we had the great Sculley era, the shitstorm that was Spindler era, the so-so Amelio era, the Jobs era and now it’s the return of the Spindler era, only named Cook.
But if someone wants the return of the old Apple versus PC “fights”, it looks as if there are no other solutions but the title of this article.
